Rethinking gratitude
Amidst all the joy, feasting and festivities, this time of year can feel a bit (or a lot) fraught. Family tensions come to the surface; exacerbated by too little sleep, too much alcohol and sugar, and nervous systems that are finally unravelling after the stress of the year.
Despite all that volatility, there's still this expectation that we should ‘be grateful.'
Now, don't get me wrong: I love a bit of gratitude as much as the next spiritually inclined / growth-oriented human.
Gratitude that comes with a ‘should’
What I don't love, however, is forced gratitude. I'm talking about the kind of gratitude that comes with a 'should'.
This is the gratitude your mother / father / caregiver / teacher shoved down your throat when you were a kid. Maybe they're still shoving it down your throat.
It's mostly well-intentioned, but it comes with a massive dose of obligation.
"You should be grateful for the food on your plate because there are children starving in Africa." (I have to admit… I've used similar narratives with my own kids, gulp.)
"You should be grateful that you have a roof over your head because there are plenty of people who don't have homes and they live on the streets. You should be happy your life is better than theirs."
"You should be grateful that you have a job (even though you're miserable and it's destroying your health) when so many people are unemployed."
What grates about each of these narratives is that they dismiss our lived experience. They ask that we whitewash pain and bypass feeling altogether.
It's just another variation of toxic positivity, dressed up as gratitude.
An alternative
So what would be a better alternative?
Honouring your personal, lived experience. You are entitled to acknowledge how your experiences made you feel. In fact, it's vital that you do this, because it's the only way to really, truly heal and evolve.
Your feelings are simply part of a chemical process. Acknowledge your feelings, and they will move through your system in all of 90 seconds before dissolving.
If you don't acknowledge them… you don't process them. They stay stuck in your system, and they fester, eventually manifesting as physical pain or disease.
So, as we end 2023, allow your feelings, and say no to anything that comes with a ‘should’.
Oh – and practice gratitude on YOUR terms.
A simple gratitude practice that feels good
In my own daily practice, I make note of at least 3 things in my life that I'm grateful for, and I write them down before I go to bed. I find this really shifts the tone of my sleep, and it carries forward into the days that follow.
To counteract that sense of contrived gratitude, I focus on small things I'm grateful for. Sometimes, I'm simply grateful for a steaming-hot cup of tea, a hug from one of my children, or an ancient, gigantic tree I saw on my morning walk.
You see, gratitude doesn't have to be big or ‘wow’. It can be tiny, and ordinary. By acknowledging the beauty in the everyday moments, you open yourself to seeing even more of it.
It's a small act, and yet it's a powerful one. It flips the switch from lack to abundance.
So, as we enter a new year, may you cherish your lived experience. May you find joy in the small, everyday moments. May you see the abundance that surrounds you, and that wants to come your way.