How to transmute mom guilt
Every mother knows that feeling. It’s a sickening sense of unease, possibly even dread. It’s the creeping feeling that our efforts are lacking. It’s the voice that says, “You didn’t do a good enough job. Your children are suffering because of you.”
This is mother’s guilt (or mom guilt, for those who follow US spelling).
I’ve seen a lot of articles about mother’s guilt and how to overcome it. I’ve come away from a lot of them feeling dissatisfied – mainly because they airily tell you to “practice self-compassion” and to “practice self-care” without addressing some key questions, which are:
What does self-compassion mean? WTF is it?!
And what is self-care? Does getting your nails done count? (as one of my mentors, Gigi Sage says, it’s only self-care if it leaves you feeling energised and revitalised. If it’s just another to-do to tick off your list, or if it’s about grooming only, then it’s not self-care.)
And how often do you need to practice self-care or self-compassion in order for it to ‘work’?
How do you create a self-care or self-compassion practice that sticks?
What and who is a ‘good mother’?
Thing is, most women will have a go at self-compassion. They’ll try. But it will likely fall flat, because they’re already in a state of stress and fear because of the guilt. They’re essentially in an inflamed state, exacerbated by the critical inner voice that’s amplified by the state of stress and fear.
It’s a vicious, miserable cycle.
I’m not actually going to address all these questions (at least, not directly). So here are my suggestions for what to do instead.
Take a beat
When you identify that mum guilt is coming on strong, pause and take a moment. If you can, grab a nice cup of tea or put your headphones in and listen to some music that you love. If you need to have some chocolate, do that. Put a hand on your arm, or on your heart. Dance to a song you love. Anything that, for a moment, makes you feel good.
If you don’t have time – if you’re rushing to get somewhere or you’re at work or with screaming children – then at least get yourself that tea, or take 5 minutes to shut yourself in a bathroom stall. If you have to, put the TV on for 30 minutes. Your kids will be OK – and you’ll be a happier human for the break.
Get aware of your state of being
Then, recognise that you’re in a state of stress. Acknowledge that the guilt is there. What does the guilt feel like? What are the stories it’s telling you?
If you like journaling, write your answers down. Write down what the guilt looks and feels like too.
If you don’t like journaling, or you can’t write for some reason, simply contemplate the guilt and allow it to be there. This may feel uncomfortable or bring up more feelings of stress. That’s OK too.
Can you allow stress, discomfort and guilt to be there and still love and approve of yourself? Or at least still approve of yourself, if love feels like a stretch?
Get curious
Ask yourself why the mum guilt is showing up right now.
Along with whatever is taking you away from being with your child / children, or from being fully present with them, is there anything else going on in your life that could be amplifying how you feel?
Are you stressed at work? Are you tired or are you hungry? Are there issues with your family, friends or partner that might be impact how you feel?
Which issues can you minimise? Can you, for example, go get something to eat so you no longer feel hungry? Can you have a 20-minute power nap or go to bed at 9pm with a book for one or two nights instead of binge-watching Netflix? (Knowing that you can come back to the Netflix tomorrow, of the day after that.)
Which issues are beyond your control? In which case, can you release your hold on them? Yes, your hold on them rather than their hold on you. Can you feel where you’re gripping and invite yourself to loosen, since you can’t control the outcome, anyway?
Get real with yourself
Yes, this involves being honest with yourself. And it involves being objective with yourself. To help you get there, here is a series of questions to ask yourself. I suggest you write down your answers on paper if possible (on the computer is OK too), because then they’re out of your head – this way, it’s much easier to be objective.
Once you can get objective, you’ll find a lot of the surface-level stress dissipates. You may realise that you’re doing the best you can. And/or you might get a lot of clarity around what you’d like to do differently.
Are your kids happy and healthy?
Are they well cared for, whether that’s by you or another caregiver?
Are they loved? (Do they know they are loved?)
Are they safe?
Does your time away from them support YOU in some way? Does it energise you, for example, or help you release stress? Does it nourish you? Does it help you understand yourself better or heal old hurts?
Does your time away from them support your family in some way? For example: does it support your family financially? Does it support your personal growth so you can be a better role model for your children? Does it help you feel rested and nourished so you can show up with more energy and love? Does it help you feel a sense of purpose so that you can be a better role model for your children, and so you can show up with more love and energy?
Does your time away from them enable you to be a more attentive, loving mother when you come back?
How are you showing up for your kids? What are the ways you’re showing up for them?
If you’re being totally honest with yourself – remembering that you don’t have to tell anyone else what your answer is here – where are you NOT showing up for your kids?
What would it look like if you showed up differently? What would you do differently, and what’s one small action step you can take?
Can you, for example, schedule in some quality time with your child / each of your children to do something special in the next week or month? What will you do and when will you do this? (Don’t just say “Yeah, yeah, I can do that” and never do it. Schedule it in and actually DO it.)
Recognise the story
Ultimately, mama guilt comes from all the stories we’ve been told about how we have to be as mothers. It comes down to social conditioning, social media and this idea that a “good mother” looks and behaves a certain way.
As women, we’ve swallowed these stories whole, and we’ve perpetuated them. We’ve judged ourselves for not stacking up, and we’ve also judged other women if they don’t fit the mould.
But what the h*ll is the mould? Is it trad wife? Full-time mum? Is it supermodel? Is it party girl? Is it epic career woman? Is it all of them? Is it something else?
For women, it’s only been about 50 years since we started to reclaim our power, after several thousand years without it. Is it any wonder, then, that we’re confused about our role in society – and that men are too?
If we’re going to get clarity, we need to unsubscribe from the old, collective, one-size-fits-all stories and rewrite them as individual stories.
So FK the mould. And fk the old stories. YOU get to choose who you be in the world – as a woman, a lover, a friend, a daughter, an employee, an entrepreneur, a mother… all of it.
As a mother, you get to create your own narrative around what being a mama means, and what that looks like.
With that in mind, can we ditch the word ‘good’ altogether? Can we instead ask ourselves: what kind of mother do I want to be? What kind of human do I want to be? And what’s it going to take to embody that?
Love,
Tamsin xo
Do you need help ditching the mom guilt? Are you ready to create your OWN stories of what it means to be a mother – or simply a woman? In my life coaching practice, I help women just like you reclaim their story, their power, and their right to choose who they’re going to be in the world. Drop me a line if you’d like support in reclaiming yourself, or book a free, 30-minute call. Book your call here.