The power of owning your choices

In a recent blog post I read, an influencer talked about her choice to abandon work in favour of being a full-time mum. She talked about how fulfilled she felt ditching work to be at home with her kids.

Her story triggered an uncomfortable response in me. It triggered feelings of guilt, and anger.

The truth is, I only felt triggered by her story because it rubbed up against choices I’d made, and that I felt guilty about.

Because I chose to be a working mother.

I can either feel proud of that choice and let it fuel me and my relationship with my family, or I can allow myself to be paralysed by guilt.

Most mamas know too well how that one goes: we feel anxious when we’re not with our children, and anxious when we’re working. It’s a shitty kind of purgatory. And it’s incredibly draining, too.

Living in that space of constant anxiety over our choices is its own kind of purgatory. Image by Simran Sood on Unsplash

Before I go any further, I want to make one thing clear: that mama’s choice to stay home with her kids is a beautiful choice.  

And yet,  it’s not my choice – not right now.

My decision to embrace life as a working mama is also a beautiful choice.

That mother’s choice can be yours if you want it to be. Equally, it doesn’t have to be, and you’re not a ‘bad’ person if you want something different.

My choice can be your choice if you want it to be.

But you’re not a ‘bad’ person if you choose children over work… or work and children. Or you can choose not to have children at all and focus on your life and career.

Or, if it’s available to you, you can choose something totally different. What that looks like – and feels like – is entirely up to you.

I don’t get to choose what you do, and that influencer doesn’t get to choose what you do. Nor do we get to choose what she does with her life, energy and time.

Why do we think everyone has to do what we do? Why do we think we have to do what everyone else does? Why do we judge anyone for doing things differently?

We’ve fallen into this trap of believing we have to do things the way other people do them.

We’ve let ourselves be hemmed in by guilt and envy; by this belief that we should want something other people have, or that other people do.

Because everyone else is doing X, we ‘should’ want to do X as well.

Or because one other person we respect and admire is doing Y, we buy into the story that we ‘should’ do Y, too.

Sometimes that leads to us to speak or behave in a way that’s judgmental. Because we’re not entirely comfortable with our choices, we project our judgment onto other people and their choices.

Deep at the heart of it is pain. It’s a belief that holds us back. It says, There must be something wrong with me if I’m not doing what that person is doing. There must be something wrong with my way. 

Why do we think there’s something wrong with our way, or with someone else’s? Image by Kenny Eliason on Unsplash

FUCK. THAT.

Fuck all of it.

We get to choose.

Each of us gets to choose what our lives look like.

Just because someone else wants to be a full-time parent doesn’t mean you have to.

Just because someone else wants to be CEO doesn’t mean you have to.

Just because someone else wants to take a vaccine doesn’t mean you have to.

Just because someone else doesn’t want to take a vaccine doesn’t mean you can’t.

It’s your choice, and no-one else’s. 

There are times in life where it feels like there’s no other way. Sometimes, because of governments, rules and regulations, finances, and so on, you have to do things you wouldn’t otherwise choose to do, and it’s a matter of survival.

That can feel frustrating, restrictive and downright oppressive. Even here, though, you have a choice. You can choose to make choices within the framework you’re given – and be willing to accept the outcome. Or you can rebel, and be willing to accept the outcome.

Other times, you only think you don’t have a choice.

Oh, but you do have a choice. 

Conflict and other people’s hurt might come with that choice.

You can feel sad for that, and still choose what’s right for you.

When we own. our choices, new paths open up. Image by Cory Woodward on Unsplash

You see, we’ve all forgotten that we get to co-create what our lives look like. We’ve forgotten this for eons. We’re enslaved to following others because we haven’t allowed ourselves to see and accept what we really want for ourselves.

Deep down, you know what you want, and what’s right for you. Just listen.

It’s time to remember that you have agency, and you have the capacity to choose. You were born in your body, and your life experience has given you your unique skills and perspective on the world. Use it all. And use it your way.

It’s time to ditch the guilt we carry around the choices we make. It’s time to ditch the shoulds and the should nots.

Can we own our choices? Can we make them consciously and then take responsibility for them?  

Making them is scary, but once we’ve made them, we feel lighter, and way more empowered. In trusting ourselves, we open the door for more trust.

That, my friends, is co-creation. That is real, aligned power.

To womxn, to men, and everyone who chooses something in between: may you all find your power, and the freedom to choose your own way.

Love,

Tamsin xx

Do you need someone to support you in making choices you feel great about? I’d love nothing more than to help you choose you. Drop me a line if you’d like support, or book a transformational coaching or shamanic healing session here.